Since becoming a mom nearly nine years ago, I have been astonished by the amount of crap (literally) I have put up with.
Here are some of my all-time favorites!
(FYI – don’t read and drink coffee, tea, pop, etc. while reading this. Author is not responsible for accidents!)
- Vomit of all colors and consistencies. In my day, I have all the colors of the rainbow, as well as all types of shapes (or lack thereof). I have also seen vomit during all times of the day – morning, noon, night, middle of the night – vomit doesn’t wait for any “IDEAL” time to appear. Also, the smell … makes me want to vomit while cleaning up the vomit.
- Poop stuck inside a playpen – and by that I mean on the mesh siding and on the mat.
- Poop chunks in the bathtub – with children still in tub (yes, I took them out once I saw the turds floating!).
- Non-stop blood squirting out of young son’s face after twin sister pulled off a blood-blister near his nose. (She must have been pissed at him when they were 5 months old, because that is when she took her little nail and scraped his face. This required a trip to the local ER where they had to treat the area with some sort of matchy-lookin’ thing.)
- Enema. Enough said. First they can’t stop pooping and then they can’t poop. What a crapshoot!
- Thick, gooey ear wax really, really grosses me out!
- Boogers of all colors, running down into their little mouths as they run away from me as I run toward them with a tissue.
- Toilet bowls full of pee and poo, and whatever else may be tossed in that I have to fish out – so far it’s been a sticker, pacifier, hairclip and toy car that I can remember.
- Blow-out diapers – those are just the yuckiest things to change EVER. And, if you have a girl, it goes in every crevice known to mankind. If you have a boy, well, same thing, only different “equipment.”
- Knowing the girl ate a piece of keychain (on purpose) and taking her to the ER where I spent $400 for them to take an x-ray showing me the teeny-tiny chain link in her stomach. Anyone want to guess what I to look through to make sure it passed???
On that note, for all of you parents-to-be out there, “Bottoms Up” to you!