Joining a gym … is kinda like joining the circus


This week, I joined a gym. The last time I stepped foot inside a gym-type facility was 2000 … and that was the recreation center at BGSU – which has since been replaced, but that’s beside the point.
Anyways, on Oct. 31, Jazzercise – a combo of aerobic dance and strength training – closed its doors in North Ridgeville. I Jazzercised on and off since 2004, so to say I was heartbroken and sad is/and was an understatement.
But, I had to move forward. I am not one to sit back and accept change. I have to adapt. Therefore, I joined a gym only 5 miles from my house.
This gym has it all – a field house, weight room and swimming pool. And, it’s closer to my house and cheaper! It’s as if God was telling me, “Melissa, JOIN Splash Zone!”
So … I did.
But let me tell you … I was not prepared for gym “etiquette.”
Walking into the locker room was pretty much a shock – and I felt like a dirty, middle-aged lady. I was avoiding boobs, skin and “other places” like I was in the Secret Service. I wish I had blinders on. I kinda wish I was blind too.
I am sorry, I know I have given birth to three kids – in fact, the last duo were born in the middle of the hottest summer EVER and I was “this close” delivering them without any clothes on to the point that as I laid on the delivery table, I tried to rip my gown off my body while pushing a kid out.
ANYWAYS, the point is, I have bared my body in all its awesome glory, but it was for a purpose – I was delivering kids.
BUT, these women, no they are not delivering kids … therefore, I cannot fathom the reason they feel it necessary to wrap a towel that doesn’t fit around their bodies and walk around a locker room showing me their goodies.
However, let’s move on …
Let’s talk about the weight room. There are probably 50 machines in that room and I know how to use … not a single one. But I have mastered the “Watch and Learn” method … this is where gym members three times my age know how to use these machines better than I ever will because they are using them to improve their legs after hip and knee replacements. Do you know what I do while in the weight room? I watch the Body Replacements use the machines and then I mimic what they do! How sad?!
In the field house, where there is a walking track, I wasn’t sure what lane to walk in, so I picked the vacant one. Walking is so boring and it’s so quiet in this field house, that I have decided to implement my love of Jazzercise while I walk … so for all of you seeing me move my arms and pretending I am dancing, that is actually what I am doing … think of it as your entertainment while you walk the boring-ass track. You are welcome.
Let’s move on to the POOL. Dear Lord! I actually had to buy a pair of non-fog swimming goggles because otherwise, I would look like an alcoholic with blood-shot/chlorine-doused eyes after my lap-swim. And, I bought a swim cap for the same reason. But then you know what I realized … I can see EVERYTHING when I wear goggles … EEK! Also, do you know how winded I get only swimming a half-mile in the pool? The other day I took a breath of air under water, therefore, I drank the pool. Try recovering from that when there are six other people swimming in lanes and doing it gracefully! I just decided to swim the breast stroke. Either way, it was gross
So, yes, after Jazzercising forever, I now hold a gym membership despite the fact I have no idea what “gym etiquette” really is because I am still stuck in “Jazzercise mode” where we yell, scream and in other words … had fun!