Well, the bitch isn’t fixed.
In case you all missed the previous column, our washing machine (which is known as a SHE to all repairmen – hence the bitch description) took a dump nearly two weeks ago. The washing machine repairman has been here twice. He SAID he fixed it today, but he didn’t. Not really.
There is still a puddle behind the machine.
And, the best part, our machine is one of those fancy ones that runs on sensors.
Today, after the man left, I washed a load since it’s been starting to resemble a small mountain. He left, and OF COURSE a puddle formed behind the washing machine … in the exact same spot as before.
On top of that, the 35 minute cycle washed down to the last minute … and STAYED ON A MINUTE, SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING INTO AN EBLIVION. It stayed that way for 15 minutes, and we recorded it for two minutes. Finally, I told Seth to shut it off.
So now, the only person in our family who has clean clothes is the oldest son. Everyone else has a pile large enough in their rooms that soon I will need to rent a forklift to move it from one room to another.
Here’s the thing, remember, I live in BFE and I know there are laundromats within 15 minutes of my house, but they scare me. Like, horror movie, serial killer, stalker scare me. I know how this works …
“A young mom went to the laundromat because her washing machine took a shit for two weeks and she needed clothes. While she was there, a man walked into the same facility, and began asking her for a quarter for the pay-phone outside. She didn’t have a quarter, because it’s 2015 and no one carries cash … although, she did have enough cash to wash six loads of laundry. She had no quarters to spare. The man became irate and started screaming and yelling at her while waving a knife. She tried to fight back, but the only moves she knew were from years of Jazzercise and none of those were coming in handy now – the uppercuts weren’t providing enough punch and the leg kicks weren’t effective either, but she tried. Soon, the man pulled a knife, slicing her throat. THE END.”
So no, I am not dragging my six loads of dirty clothes to the laundromat. Instead, I have a new plan … NAKED AND AFRAID: THE BFE SERIES.
(Feel free to all me Discovery … I am sure we could work out a deal – you bring me a new washing machine, I guarantee your Neilson ratings will soar with my family!)