Dear McDonald’s Playland Parent,

Thank you.

Thank you for providing me much entertainment while my two 6-year-olds climb into germ-infested trees and slide down booger-crusted slides.

Thank you for the countless number of times you ask your children to “PLEASE take ONE MORE BITE before you play!” Don’t kid yourself. I know you … we are cut from the same cloth. I know you are secretly saying, “For the love of God eat the $5 Happy Meal I bought you for the cheap-ass toy! Next time, there will be NO HAPPY MEAL! SCREW THE TOY!”

Thank you for the way you ask your children to stop screaming – by screaming at them. By the way, this would probably be more effective if you pulled your child aside and told them directly that squealing is annoying. But instead, you just annoy me.

Thank you for asking me to watch your children while you venture to the drink station to fill up your cup full of pop. Sure, I don’t mind watching your 3-year-old daughter and 11-month-old snot-nose son as he attempts to wiggle out of his highchair. I also didn’t appreciate the fact that he was gnawing on a chicken nugget when it looked like he should have been eating soft-foods out of a jar or drinking a bottle. But then again, this was a man alone with this kids who also asked the McDonald’s front counter girl to carry his tray of food into the Playland. We can’t all be perfect. I know. Trust me … I know. Just be thankful I am not out to kidnap your children. I have enough of my own to even think about wanting more.

Thank you to the other father who tried to convince his daughter that it was time to leave the fun playland as if he were conducting a business meeting with top executives. Meanwhile, she was screaming bloody murder and wanted nothing to do with your “plan.”

BUT, mostly … Thank you McDonald Playland parents for allowing me 30 minutes of my life where it seems as if I have my shit together.

So, carry on McDonald’s Playland Parents … carry on …