Channeling my inner ‘artist’ out of nowhere

New hobby

Something is seriously wrong with me. No, I’m not sick. I’m not depressed. In fact, it’s the complete opposite.

All three of my lovely children returned to school several weeks ago and all I want to do every single day is paint!

It started when my aunt gave me these two otherwise-blank very large canvasses. From May until the end of August, they sat in a corner of my room. Untouched, except for a few dust bunnies.

And then, BOOM, I decided to get creative.

I now have two large prints – of a pumpkin and snowmen (dear God, with lights hooked up in the background to reflect the snow) and six smaller prints.

What am I doing with these so-called paintings? Giving them away as birthday gifts. What else am I going to do with them?

Several “friends” have suggested I enter them into a craft show. That’s taking my talent a bit too far in my opinion. While my prints look cute, anyone can do them.

TRUST ME when I say anyone.

Because you see, 25 years ago, I stepped foot inside my first (and I think last) ART class in junior high. I didn’t want to take art any more than I wanted to take gym or home economics, but back in the day, schools wanted us to be “well-rounded” students. (Today, if you say the words, “Home Economics” out loud, in say, a high school, people will look at you as if you grew a second head.)

Back to my art class. I sucked. And I’m pretty sure my teacher knew I sucked too. At one point all students were “selected to have their art displayed” in the high school-level art show. I got the pity vote. My piece represented a self-portrait. Obviously, my mom didn’t save that piece of work, but it’s forever stashed away in my memory bank – mostly because it was so awful. I had two different levels of hair – trying to represent it longer on one side, with the other side tucked behind my ear. And try drawing “feathered” bangs … that was a joke. My eyes were two different sizes, but both had the correct amount of blue eye shadow. My lips were crooked, but had just enough lipstick to make them look like human lips rather than ape-lips. My neck was too long on one side and shorter on the other. I also made sure I drew some ears so I could add a touch of plastic-hoop earrings.

I was a hot mess. I remember seeing this horrid self-portrait, thinking to myself, “God, Melissa, don’t ever major in ART, EVER …”

So, to my art teacher, Mr. Witteborg, I just wanted you to know that while I still cannot for the life of me draw a person, I can damn well draw random pumpkins, snowflakes and snowflakes. So, how about you can go back into the grading system from 25 years ago and change my C to like a B now? Thanks, I appreciate it!

1 thought on “Channeling my inner ‘artist’ out of nowhere”

Comments are closed.