Dear “World’s Perfect Mom,”
Wow, two weeks in to being a new mom and you seem to have your shit together.
Kudos to you. What I would give to see you in action every single day. (Do you think you could record a vlog for us “Lazy Moms” showcasing your super talent of Perfect Motherhood?)
The first two weeks after I gave birth to my oldest are a complete blur.
Here’s what happened in MY two weeks into first-time motherhood:
First off, I spent four days in the hospital because my OB was convinced my vagina had a fever, thus an infection. No, I had the flu – not the barfing kind, the achy kind and yes, I had a fever. Clearly, it traveled to my vagina – don’t ask, I just know I had blood drawn so much that I began to resemble a pin cushion. I’m glad your vagina was perfect after giving birth.
Secondly, my son refused to nurse. I tried and tried. He could not latch on – even lactation consultants agreed. Do you dare call me lazy? Try me bitch … Therefore, I bottle fed him and had to endure huge, hard boobs for almost four days. I wore cold cabbage leaves in my bra that my own mother helped place on my hard, engorged boobs. You did not share with the world if you are nursing or not … either way it doesn’t matter. My kid is almost 13 now and he’s almost 3 inches taller than I will ever be in my lifetime. He thrived on formula. BOOM!
Third, my son didn’t like to sleep. So, I held him … a lot. That’s kinda what you do with newborns. I opted to hold my son and love him rather than worry about showering. I showered at night when my husband came home. It was my “me” time and my husband’s time to bond with our son.
Life as a mom takes adjustment. At the moment, you are clearly living the dream. You seem to have the perfect baby. The perfect life. You are perfect.
I am not. But you, you perfect mom seem to think you are God’s Gift to Motherhood and posted a statement that has now gone viral deeming yourself as such.
I wish I had a crystal ball into your life five years from right now.
I wish I could be there when all hell breaks loose after a night of him vomiting and instead of him sprinting for the toilet, he barfs all over his floor. And then, Perfect Mom, you get to scrub the taco dinner he had out from carpet fibers on your hands and knees, while trying to hold your own food down in your stomach.
I wish I could be there when you are trying to multi-task making those “decent” meals for your family or mopping floors while conquering Common Core math homework every single night.
I want to be there, in your house, when you have MORE THAN ONE KID! Check back in like five years … until then … your perfect life means nothing to me.
About the author:
Melissa Linebrink is a reporter/bi-monthly columnist for “The Mommy Wars” printed in The Chronicle-Telegram. She has been featured as a blogger on the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Conference site, www.humorwriters.org. She also writes, edits and manages her blog, http://parenthoodthenewcrazytrain.com/.